I Butterflying Hate Black Widow Spiders! (84)
Posted by Jenn
This Tuesday has not been very awesome for me. In fact, it’s been quite crap. I woke up at 4:30am because the dogs were barking at an invisible intruder. This is about 40 minutes earlier than I needed to be awake but I thought, oh well, I’ll get a jump on the day. So I went to the kitchen to get some water and, low and behold, there’s a giant, evil beetle on the kitchen floor. Scared the you-know-what outta me! I killed that bugger and decided to hop in the shower. The shower was wonderful and awakening. I complete the normal morning routine and sit down at my vanity in my room and put on makeup while watching the morning news. Everything is hunky dory until it’s not anymore…
I feel something brush across my leg while I’m trying to put on my eyeliner. Due to seeing the horrible, evil, monsterous beetle earlier, I freak out and think it’s come back from the dead to enact its revenge upon me! I quickly get up and look at the floor and find nothing. Then, for some strange, unknown reason, I decide it would be a good idea to look under my vanity. Low and behold, there’s a butterflying ginormous, frightening, devil-spawned black widow under my butterflying vanity!!!!!!!!
If you’ve never heard anyone scream bloody murder, just imagine the loudest, terror filled shriek you can imagine and multiply it by a hundred. I thought I was going to die! I was kinda paralyzed by fear as I remained, frozen in my half crouching position while I contemplated my options. I stupidly went to the kitchen and grabbed a bunch of paper towels and the Raid Ant and Roach spray, when back to my room and decided that mother trucker was going to die!!!!
Not being super smart, I swatted at it at which point it fell to the floor, landed on my purple hat and I sprayed the crap out of it with the spray and proceeded to pound on it with the paper towels. I then picked it up and ran into the kitchen and threw it in the trash. You may be thinking that I did the smart thing. If you’re thinking that, you are incorrect. You see, now I’m scared that I didn’t thoroughly kill it, just kinda stunned it, and now it’s living in the trash can, plotting my demise and waiting for its opportunity to strike. Ugh…I’m totally afraid of a quarter sized devil incarnate being from hell that is called a black widow.
Somehow, I made it to work and got through my work day, including leading worship at Acton Rehab tonight. I came home and, as I’m making my way out back to water the veggie garden, I see yet another black widow scurrying along the back slider door. I lose track of it and go outside anyway and see two more just chilling and doing their evil spider thing. I’m scared they’re going to jump at me or chase me around so I walk waaaaaay around them and proceed to water the plants. Surprise!!! There’s another black widow in the veggie garden!!
At this point, I’m done being outside or anywhere near nature so I went back in the house and now I’m scared to go to sleep because the murderous black widows want to kill me…
and the dogs…
and anyone who might happen to discover my bloated, rotting corpse in three days when people start to wonder what happened to me.
So, if you don’t hear from me for more than two to three days, call the LA County Sheriff to come investigate but warn them that there’s killer black widows on the attack.
Now here’s some pictures of cute things to try and make this not such a horrible blog post:
About JennI am a book lover, a concert goer/lover of music, a singer, a musician, a lover of the beach and nature, an okay friend, a follower of Christ, and a twenty-something...for now.
Posted on July 16, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged beetles, black, black widows, bugs, butterflying, cute, dangerous, Dear God Help Me Please, devil spawn, evil, fluffy, garden, horrible, i hate spiders, killer spiders, killers, kittens, mornings, murder, murderous, puppies, scary, spiders, Tuesday, vanity, veggies, widow. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.