At least, not in the way that most people think.
I just had a really good day with God. I discovered some awesome new worship music courtesy of my #StartSingle friends and Bethel Music. Bethel’s new album, Tides, is one of my favorite albums of the year! The song “I Can Feel You” pretty much speaks exactly how I feel. It really put me in touch with how wonderful God is and how in love I am with Him.
That love I was feeling all day totally shined through in my worship leading. The ladies at Acton Rehab were so amazing tonight! I played a new song and they loved it and were able to sing along! I was so worried they wouldn’t follow but they’re all so encouraging and eager to worship and praise God that they just blew me away! Before worship started I even got to share my testimony with two of them. I forgot how it even started but all of a sudden, there I was, telling them how I was totally lost and had hit rock bottom and God swooped into my life and saved me. I also explained how that first rock bottom wasn’t enough and it wasn’t until I hit my second rock bottom low that I finally surrendered all of myself, body, heart, soul, and future to God and how amazing it’s been since.
Yes, it’s been hard. It’s actually been extremely hard and lonely at times and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve cried over stupid things that I wanted even though I knew they were wrong. But there’s been a whole lot of good too! I mean, how many times can you say that you’ve been in love with someone you know for certain loves you back, absolutely unconditionally? I can’t say I know many people who do that. Just God. Today, all I felt was the overwhelming love of God and just how lucky I am.
I’ve felt love before…I was in love with a man who I almost married. But that love was tainted with his lies, manipulation, and abuse so it doesn’t feel real. It never really felt totally secure. I mostly felt like a prisoner.
God’s love feels different. I don’t have to second guess it. I don’t have to ask any “what if” questions. I don’t have to do absolutely anything but receive it. We love because He first loved us. God is pure, perfect love. And I’m in love.
Here’s the video link for the song by Bethel Music in case you want to listen to it. BEWARE!!! It might change your life.
Today I was praying and I got a really weird but oddly sweet image. While praying, I saw a human heart that was like a sponge and it was soaking full of water. Then a man wrung all the water out of the heart and it was left dry and fluffy. I then saw myself as a little girl, hugging the heart close to my body and swaying side to side. I don’t know why this made me feel like I have hope that I will find love some day?
All day at work I felt a pretty strong sense of being loved. It was interesting. I’m pretty out of touch with my feelings when it comes to liking someone and I can almost never tell if someone else has feelings for me unless they’re really blunt about it so I’m not sure if my weird lovey dovey feelings have to do with me having a dumb crush on someone or if it’s something else. Regardless, I felt really in touch with God today and a really strong sense that He was with me. That was awesome!
Then, when I was leading worship tonight at Acton Rehab, I felt so overwhelmingly connected to God and head over heals in love with Him. It was as is He were a real person standing right in front of me and I was singing these songs of love and adoration directly to Him. It was beautiful and bittersweet. I really do love God but He knows that I need human connection too. I love feeling in love and I love God’s love because it is completely unconditional and absolutely perfect but I also want the experience of imperfect, messy human love and all that it entails. But, for at least a few hours, I felt like I was in a loving, romantic relationship.
True, authentic worship awakens your soul and sets your heart on fire with love for God and love for others. It makes the sky seem more blue, the flowers look prettier, you feel as if you’re floating on clouds, and you’re more patient with people and kinder towards others. God’s love is absolutely perfect, amazing, transforming, sustaining, life giving, and uplifting. I’m thankful that, while I don’t have any romantic love between me and a man, I at least have the perfect love that God can give me. It sustains me in ways that no human relationship alone can. In fact, I don’t see how any of my relationships would last without God’s love. I just hope that, some day soon, God will allow me to have the love of a man who I too will be in love with. For now, my heart beats for God alone!
(Photo Credit: Jarrid Wilson)