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This is the end, the story’s old and it goes on and on until we disappear. (1)

Well, this is it. My last day as a twentysomething.

I really would like to have some sort of epic last journal entry but I just don’t have one.

My twenties have been hard. Sometimes they were downright horrible. Other times were the best of my life this far. I’ve traveled up and down the California coast, to the South, across the country to the Midwest, and across the world to Belfast, Northern Ireland.

I’ve made some amazing friends, fallen in love, gotten my heart broken, found God, lost my way and sorta found it again, and discovered that I have the strength to pull through difficult times with enough help from my friends, family, and God.

I’ve had a couple of okay jobs, a very horrible job, and finally have a job working for a company I love. They’ve all taught me something new. I’ve had a lot of money, a little money, and practically no money. Somehow, I usually have enough money to get by.

I’ve taken risks. I’ve had some wins. I’ve had some losses. I’ve wished and hoped and seen some come to be and others have remained a dream.

I’ve lost two of the most important people in my life – my grandpa first and my grandma second. I had the privilege of holding a newborn baby, hours after she was born. I’ve met some amazing little girls who aren’t my own nieces but whom I love just like they were. I see hope and a future in them. I can only imagine the life ahead for them and how they will grow and experience some of the same things I’ve experienced.

I’ve learned that, as alone as I feel sometimes, I’m really not that alone. There’s always going to be someone to reach out to. Things aren’t always going to be easy but they won’t always be tough either. I’m not a twentysomething anymore but I’m still me.

I don’t feel like I should be thirty but I am. Time to deal with it and face this new day tomorrow with a hope for a future that is fulfilling, meaningful, and full of love.

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Eek! Only 20 days left… (20)

So, I haven’t been writing because, well, life got in the way. I wouldn’t trade the past few days for anything though.

There’s been some way crazy stuff happening but there’s been some really, really awesome stuff happening too! Hence, why I haven’t written.

I’m getting nervous for my birthday. Despite #alltheamazingthings that are coming up in the next 12-13 months, I’m still not ready to leave my twenties behind. I know that I’m still going to be me but that stupid 2 changing to a 3 seems to signify the end of my youth and the beginning of my adult life. As if now, I’m not allowed to silly or go on crazy adventures because that’s the sort of stuff that goes on in your twenties not your thirties.

I feel like a broken record and I don’t want to anymore. I am looking forward to going to San Fran for the dreaded day. I’ll be helping out/staying at the YWAM base there. By helping out, I mean that I’ll be tagging along with my friend who’s a missionary there and hoping to get to do some ministry. I also hope to meet up with some people from the #STARTexp if we can arrange it.

Today was a really positive day. Good things are happening. Good, crazy, amazing things are in the works. I’ll share when the time is right. For now, I’m off to sleep way past my bedtime.

Peace, love, and pumpkin spice lattes!
xxJenn

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Sometimes having an “adult” job really sucks -or- In retrospect, getting laid off can be a good thing (83)

I work in Payroll and today was the first day that I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my job.  Up until now, I didn’t really personally know anyone who got “termed” but today I did.  I don’t really know the person super well but we had hung out outside of work.  So we weren’t super close but I could still say we’re friends.  It was awkward and sad to have the knowledge that they weren’t going to have a job at the company anymore and I knew about it before they did.  But I knew this was part of the job and I also knew that this was going to be the most difficult part of my job for me.  

 

I’ve never been fired before but I have been downsized.  It came at me and all my coworkers from left field.  We were working hard and our branch was doing well when, all of a sudden, the regional manager comes in, talks to the manager for a few minutes, our manager comes out of his office and calls a meeting, and the regional manager says. 

“I’m going to keep this short and sweet.  As of right now, this branch is closed.  You have 5 minutes to pack up your desk and leave.  Your final check will be sent to you through the mail.”

And that was it.  It was at a crazy bad time of my life for that to happen too.  I had just signed a one year lease on an apartment that I loved and I was living 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family and in a really bad relationship with a guy who just got fired – on the same day that I got laid off!  Luckily, my mom came out to visit for my birthday a week later and she kind of rescued me and told me I could move back home to Cali and start over.  So I did.  

 

I guess, in retrospect, getting laid off was the best thing ever to happen to me.  It was the catalyst that set in motion some really good things that would happen a few years down the road.  It still sucked for a really long time (like 2 years) after but it happened and now it’s in the past so…there ya go.  God used it for good and I ultimately was able to get out of that relationship which I probably would be miserable in right now had that not occurred.  

 

But back to my current job.  I really love the people I work with and the “family” like atmosphere we have.  But the downside, which I know clearly see, is that, when you’re that comfortable with people, it’s hard to see them leave.

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Candy Crush Saga Might Just be Ruining My Life!

Candy Crush Saga might just be ruining my life! Well…not really but it is quite addicting. I held out for so long and didn’t play and now I’m hooked. The worst thing ever happened tonight too. I had to uninstall and reinstall the app and when I reinstalled it, I had lost two of the levels that took me forever to get past originally!!!! Aaaargh! Frustrating…but oh so much fun. Must keep playing. Must send requests to friends. Must send lives to friends. Must try to not be a zombie!

I’ve been feeling sick for the past few weeks on and off. It might be time to go to the doctor soon because it’s getting annoying. I came home after work and crashed for a few hours, woke up, took a shower, and then played Candy Crush Saga. You might be thinking at this point that I have a problem with playing that game, well… I don’t have a problem, okay!?!??!! So stop thinking that!!!. Lol it’s just fun.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing a series of short stories and self publishing them. I don’t think I’d have the patience to actually write a full length novel before deleting it but I think I could probably stomach writing some short stories. I usually get a great idea, write about 30-70 pages, and then decide it is all crap and trash it. The few people I’ve confessed that too have seemed appalled that I would work that hard on something only to get rid of it before anyone saw it. So maybe, like my poetry and the few songs I’ve written/shared with others, it just needs to be put out there? I don’t know. It seems so cliché but there’s this story stuck in my brain that’s waiting to come out but I just won’t let it. Inside my head it’s protected against scrutiny and judgement. Out in the world, it’s practically defenseless!

I’ve been trying to take inspiration from a few amazing authors whose books I love. Were they not bold when they shared their stories with the world? Even if only a few of my friends read it, wouldn’t that be worth it? Or maybe even a few strangers? I should probably stop acting like this is an actual journal and get back to what I really wanted to write about today.

I don’t remember what the whole point of this was supposed to be about. I’m going to go see if I have any more lives so I can play more Candy Crush Saga. Goodnight!

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I don’t even know anymore. Here’s a brief explanation of what’s been up.

So there’s really no excuse for me letting myself down. I made a commitment to this blog and then gave up when life got super busy. There’s really no guarantees that it won’t happen again and again but I can’t try to resurrect this poor old blog.

In short, what happened was I got super busy being a leader of an actual worship team and then found out some rather depressing news about my ex-fiancé that had to do with the fact that he couldn’t keep it in his pants when I wasn’t around 24/7. There’s not enough time right now to go into all the things I’d like to say to him or about the situation so I just won’t.

Then dropped off the face of the earth and have now decided it is time for this to become a reality again. After all, there’s so much that has happened since I stopped writing and so much left to happen in these short last months.

So stay tuned. I hope I won’t disappoint you.

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My Heart, It Beats, Beats for Only You or Someday My Prince Will Come? (273)

Today I was praying and I got a really weird but oddly sweet image.  While praying, I saw a human heart that was like a sponge and it was soaking full of water.  Then a man wrung all the water out of the heart and it was left dry and fluffy.  I then saw myself as a little girl, hugging the heart close to my body and swaying side to side.  I don’t know why this made me feel like I have hope that I will find love some day?  

All day at work I felt a pretty strong sense of being loved.  It was interesting.  I’m pretty out of touch with my feelings when it comes to liking someone and I can almost never tell if someone else has feelings for me unless they’re really blunt about it so I’m not sure if my weird lovey dovey feelings have to do with me having a dumb crush on someone or if it’s something else.  Regardless, I felt really in touch with God today and a really strong sense that He was with me.  That was awesome!

 

Then, when I was leading worship tonight at Acton Rehab, I felt so overwhelmingly connected to God and head over heals in love with Him.  It was as is He were a real person standing right in front of me and I was singing these songs of love and adoration directly to Him.  It was beautiful and bittersweet.  I really do love God but He knows that I need human connection too.  I love feeling in love and I love God’s love because it is completely unconditional and absolutely perfect but I also want the experience of imperfect, messy human love and all that it entails. But, for at least a few hours, I felt like I was in a loving, romantic relationship.

True, authentic worship awakens your soul and sets your heart on fire with love for God and love for others.  It makes the sky seem more blue, the flowers look prettier, you feel as if you’re floating on clouds, and you’re more patient with people and kinder towards others.  God’s love is absolutely perfect, amazing, transforming, sustaining, life giving, and uplifting.  I’m thankful that, while I don’t have any romantic love between me and a man, I at least have the perfect love that God can give me.  It sustains me in ways that no human relationship alone can.  In fact, I don’t see how any of my relationships would last without God’s love.  I just hope that, some day soon, God will allow me to have the love of a man who I too will be in love with.  For now, my heart beats for God alone!

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(Photo Credit: Jarrid Wilson)

You’re as Subtle as a Brick on the Small of My Back/ Breaking Dawn Part Two was awesome (326)

I’m beginning to think it might be a wee bit too lofty to assume I’ll be able to write every day so let’s all just be thankful I can find time to write at all.  The problem is, I get all these thoughts that I’d like to write down all at the wrong times! For example, at work, on the way to work, while cooking dinner, while studying, while reading, while driving, etc. When I finally get home at night and get a chance to write it all down, I’m so tired I can’t do anything more than lay down and go to sleep or numb my mind with a movie. In fact…

Sleep has been my extra curricular activity lately. Tuesday night I went to bed at 9:30pm and Wednesday I was asleep by 8:30pm. It kind of made me feel super old and boring to be honest. But at least I wasn’t super tired at work the following mornings. 

Then I kind of undid all my good deeds from sleeping so much by seeing the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part Two.  It was worth it though. It was a really good movie! It was also a great way to end the franchise. There’s a twist at the end of the movie that had me really pissed off while watching it but all was okay by the end of the movie.  I can see why the screen play writer wrote it like that.  I think it was a really good compliment to the book, especially since the book went in detail about peoples powers and we get to really experience Alice’s power in that scene and get a glimpse into how it must feel to live in her world. I don’t have any complaints about the movie except maybe baby Renesmee. That baby is super creepy. Okay and my second complaint would be getting more of the background of them hunting for an answer to how long Renesmee would live and getting to see more of Charlie. It was a bittersweet ending though.  I love the movies and the books so much that it’s hard to be happy that the past movie came out.  It’s the end of an era…albeit a good one. 

I thought it was fitting that the director chose to show all the main characters from all the movies in the end before the credits ran. Because really, no movie/book was a standalone. You needed to read them all and watch them all to get the full story and get closure.  This one might end up being my favorite of all the movies.  Possibly… I’ll make my decision I suppose after I see the other movies again and watch this one like 4 more times.  😉

I’ve been in a wrestling match with my emotions lately. While I like my job and the ministries I’m involved in, I’m not happy with other areas of my life and it’s making me kind of depressed which makes me more tired and not wanting to go out to see people and not want to be involved in life in general. If you’re reading this and know me personally, you might be shocked, idunno.  I’m not really sure what to do about what’s going on with me.  It’s not as if there’s a switch to turn off how I feel unless I started taking drugs and that’s not going to happen.  I know that drugs and alcohol don’t solve anything, they just hide the problem until you can no longer run from it or you end up dying.  I know I can pray about it, and I have been, it’s just not helping me right now. They’re all subtle feelings too that end up compounding into something much larger and more painful. I don’t even have a positive way to end this paragraph.  It’s interesting to think back on life when I’m feeling happy and when I’m feeling depressed and see how the picture changes.  When depressed, the past seems like I’ve been mostly sad and depressed and unhappy most of my life.  When I’m happy, it seems like I’ve just been hit with hard times here and there and some sad periods but mostly good and happy times.  Different perspectives are pretty crazy huh? The same life lived, viewed from different lenses, has many different interpretations.

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Three Rounds and a Sound or Meekness vs Courageousness (360)

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Today I accomplished pretty much nothing. I had a sinus migraine all day so I ended up taking medicine and sleeping. Stupid sinuses and bipolar weather. 

But by 8pm I was feeling a bit better and joined the ladies from college group at the park for some pizza, chips, and cookies. Then we continued girl’s night at Brandi’s house. We talked about discipleship and sang some worship songs.  Then Lindy played some Christmas Carols on the guitar and we all painted our nails.  It was a lot of fun.  I love being a leader of the college group.  It’s so great knowing all these extraordinary young women. Hopefully all of us leaders are making positive impacts in their lives. 

Sleeping all day and being woozy from cold medicine gave me a lot of (legally) drugged time to think. I feel a bit more brave than I used to.  I remember in high school being so brave and, only after letting people really hurt me and abuse me, did I start having issues with being afraid. I want to break free of all my fears and be brave and adventurous. I just want a change.

But how do you balance being meek and humble with being brave and courageous?

-Jenn

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