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I’m down to the last month! Start with the black clouds and rain now… (29)

To say that I’m scared would be an understatement.  Here’s my reasons why I’m not looking forward to being 30:

1. I’m no longer going to be in my twenties and saying I’m “in my thirties” sounds really old to me.  I don’t feel like a 30 year old.

2. I’m single.  Like, really single!  I don’t even have any prospects for a potential guy I could realistically be interested in or start a relationship with.  There are literally no more single guys in my church!  And forget online dating.  That’s a complete bust when the only guys who seem interested in me are only interested in sex.  Le Sigh…

3. I’m stuck.  I feel as though I’m in a rut and I have been for a while.  I feel as though I wasted a lot of my early twenties on stupid things and people who only hurt me.  I try hard to live without regrets but, even though I learned some really good lessons, I have regrets.  Regrets totally suck!

4. There’s a chance that I will never be able to have children with each passing year.  I really want to be a mom but that takes having a husband.  I know there are other options available but I really want to experience creating life.  Does that make me selfish? Maybe it does.  Or maybe I’m just human and it’s a natural thing to want?

5. I’m not doing what I’m passionate about and I can’t really fully decide what that passion is.  There’s a lot of things that I love and a lot of things I really want to do.  I really want to be a better worship leader and all around musician.  I really want to be a missionary and serve God on a global capacity.  And I really, really love reading.  Is there any way I can combine all of those things into a job that allows me to survive?  Because that would be just super fantastic!

 

I’m really trying to be optimistic though.  As young as I feel and look, I guess the fact that I am thirty won’t mean all that much. Maybe I can get away without telling anyone my age and they can just assume that I’m in my early twenties?  Yeah…it might get out anyway.

 

I am looking forward to a new decade of possibly not making the same mistakes I made in the past.  

A) I now know what I don’t want and what I would like to have in a significant other.  

B) I am stronger in my faith than I have been before and I have more knowledge of the character of who God is and who He isn’t.

C) I have better priorities and I actually do what I want to do and not only what others want me to do.

D) I have a good support system in place in the shape of a great online community (StartSingles) and a great real life, 3D community.

E) I have a church that I love and that loves me back.

F) I’m closer to my mom and have a better relationship with her than I’ve ever had before in my entire life!  This is probably the best thing that’s happened in the past few years.  I’m so lucky to have her and to have had a chance to be closer to her.

G) I have all these friends who live all around the world which opens the doors up to more possibilities than I’ve ever had before.

H) I’m learning how to punch fear in the face on a daily basis!  Whether I’m afraid of looking stupid, being vulnerable, being a failure, or being successful.  I guess this means people might one day be able to read a book I’m writing or listen to music I’m making?  

I) The future is wide open…

 

Okay, that last one might be a little too optimistic, even for me, but I feel like I need to throw that in there for my own good.  After talking with some friends recently, I have had some mini revelations about what’s to come in the next few months and what I need to do starting right now to reach the goals I want to reach.  That’s pretty exciting to me!  

 

So maybe when I turn thirty I won’t have a husband with a house of our own and children playing in the yard.  Maybe I won’t have my dream job and maybe I won’t have everything all figured out.  But maybe, just maybe, I’ll be one more day closer to doing all that and fulfilling whatever purpose there is for my life.

 

xxJenn

 

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Some of my support system of awesome friends

 

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My BFF who bravely faced turning 30 a few months before me. She’s inspiring!

 

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Me, Rosie, and Brandi at a costume party. Just because costume parties are a part of our awesomeness. Also, knowing Rosie helps keep me feeling young!

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Some of the awesome people (including my BFF) who are a part of the online community of friends who happen to not be 19 years old. They’re awesome, supportive, and help me be me. Thanks #SS!

 

 

Candy Crush Saga Might Just be Ruining My Life!

Candy Crush Saga might just be ruining my life! Well…not really but it is quite addicting. I held out for so long and didn’t play and now I’m hooked. The worst thing ever happened tonight too. I had to uninstall and reinstall the app and when I reinstalled it, I had lost two of the levels that took me forever to get past originally!!!! Aaaargh! Frustrating…but oh so much fun. Must keep playing. Must send requests to friends. Must send lives to friends. Must try to not be a zombie!

I’ve been feeling sick for the past few weeks on and off. It might be time to go to the doctor soon because it’s getting annoying. I came home after work and crashed for a few hours, woke up, took a shower, and then played Candy Crush Saga. You might be thinking at this point that I have a problem with playing that game, well… I don’t have a problem, okay!?!??!! So stop thinking that!!!. Lol it’s just fun.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing a series of short stories and self publishing them. I don’t think I’d have the patience to actually write a full length novel before deleting it but I think I could probably stomach writing some short stories. I usually get a great idea, write about 30-70 pages, and then decide it is all crap and trash it. The few people I’ve confessed that too have seemed appalled that I would work that hard on something only to get rid of it before anyone saw it. So maybe, like my poetry and the few songs I’ve written/shared with others, it just needs to be put out there? I don’t know. It seems so cliché but there’s this story stuck in my brain that’s waiting to come out but I just won’t let it. Inside my head it’s protected against scrutiny and judgement. Out in the world, it’s practically defenseless!

I’ve been trying to take inspiration from a few amazing authors whose books I love. Were they not bold when they shared their stories with the world? Even if only a few of my friends read it, wouldn’t that be worth it? Or maybe even a few strangers? I should probably stop acting like this is an actual journal and get back to what I really wanted to write about today.

I don’t remember what the whole point of this was supposed to be about. I’m going to go see if I have any more lives so I can play more Candy Crush Saga. Goodnight!

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Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful, but My Heated Blanket is Sooooo Delightful! (294)

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The weather has been generally frightful lately.  It’s been cold and windy and annoying.  But there have been a few random days that have brought some rain so that was nice.  The rain always makes me think of being in Belfast and the amazing people I met there and hope to always remain friends with.  Two in particular, although I think our bond was truly forged when they came to America and we got to spend a summer/fall together.  John and Hannah will always be my favorite inhabitants of the UK (I say UK since they now both live outside of Belfast).  

 

I have seriously neglected this blog and, trust me, it has haunted me daily.  I’ve been so tired/busy/stressed/happy/confused/worn down that I haven’t had time.  Every time I thought of taking a moment to write, I would fall asleep.  Exciting huh?  I’m going to try to make a better effort now though, especially since I’ll be going on vacation soon.

 

Here’s a recap of stuff that’s happened:

  • Saw Ives the Band again (Yippee!!!) and got to talking to them after the show.  They gave Brandi, Crystal, and me free tee shirts and thanked us for being so supportive.  There’s a slight possibility that they also might come play at my church in the future but that’s not something I can really talk about yet.
  • Got into a slight fender bender but the guy never called me back and never contacted my insurance so I’m guessing I’ll never hear about it again.  Whatevs.  It wasn’t in my car (I was driving Brandi’s) so that complicated things a bit.  Everyone was fine.  I was going 5 mph when it happened.  Stupid L.A.
  • I’ve been working at my job now for almost 2 months and I still love the people and the company.  I’m beginning to know a bit of what we do and things are starting to make more sense.  I still feel lost at times but I’m now able to ask more intelligent questions to help me understand a bit more.  That’s really what I need to do my job well – understanding of the total process.  Hopefully things will get even easier and I’ll have even more clarity over the next 6 weeks.
  • I’m moving out of my condo and into my mom’s house temporarily.  Sigh… I just didn’t have enough time to find a roommate and all the one bedroom apartments in non-life-threatening areas are too much for me to afford right now.  Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get some good raises in the next couple of months?  Or, more likely, maybe one of my friends or someone I know and like will want to rent an apartment with me.  Hopefully.  Otherwise, at this point, I might just end up being super poor and getting a one bedroom of my own.
  • I finished my weekly classes of VLI.  I’ve now just got two finals and some papers to write.  Yay!  I’ll probably end up getting my certificate in March after winter 2012 quarter is over.  I think next year I’m going to try and take classes to finish up my bachelors in English. We’ll see.

That’s about all that’s been going on.  I’ve been way too busy with ministry and studying and packing to really have a lot of fun.  My friend Crystal is back from Australia until the end of January so I plan on spending a lot of time with her.  Luckily, my company is pretty much shut down from 12/21/12 – 1/2/13 and my boss is letting me take time off through the 7th so I get a full two weeks off with no work!  Yay!  There will definitely be ice skating and movies and crocheting and reading and playing guitar involved.  

 

I’m going to Las Vegas for Christmas with my mom.  We’re meeting my brother there – he’s flying in from Montana for a few days.  I’m looking forward to hanging out with them.  I love my brother and love spending time with him.  We rarely get to see each other so it’s nice that the three of us will get to spend the holiday together.  We’re going to stay at the Mandalay Bay and see Jersey Boys.  That’s about all we have planned for now.  I plan on hitting the gym, relaxing in a bubble bath, reading a book, getting a massage/mani/pedi/facial aka spending too much money in a spa, and hopefully seeing some of the museums I have never seen in all my trips to Vegas.  

 

Now, since I’m exhausted, I’m going to go to sleep.  I’ve got many, many things to do tomorrow and I’m running on an average of 5 hours of sleep lately.  It’s not enough.  I’m definitely not 22 anymore – regardless of the fact that people tell me I still look 22.  I need my beauty sleep.  

 

Bon nuit mes amies!

 

~Jenn

 

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