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I’m down to the last month! Start with the black clouds and rain now… (29)

To say that I’m scared would be an understatement.  Here’s my reasons why I’m not looking forward to being 30:

1. I’m no longer going to be in my twenties and saying I’m “in my thirties” sounds really old to me.  I don’t feel like a 30 year old.

2. I’m single.  Like, really single!  I don’t even have any prospects for a potential guy I could realistically be interested in or start a relationship with.  There are literally no more single guys in my church!  And forget online dating.  That’s a complete bust when the only guys who seem interested in me are only interested in sex.  Le Sigh…

3. I’m stuck.  I feel as though I’m in a rut and I have been for a while.  I feel as though I wasted a lot of my early twenties on stupid things and people who only hurt me.  I try hard to live without regrets but, even though I learned some really good lessons, I have regrets.  Regrets totally suck!

4. There’s a chance that I will never be able to have children with each passing year.  I really want to be a mom but that takes having a husband.  I know there are other options available but I really want to experience creating life.  Does that make me selfish? Maybe it does.  Or maybe I’m just human and it’s a natural thing to want?

5. I’m not doing what I’m passionate about and I can’t really fully decide what that passion is.  There’s a lot of things that I love and a lot of things I really want to do.  I really want to be a better worship leader and all around musician.  I really want to be a missionary and serve God on a global capacity.  And I really, really love reading.  Is there any way I can combine all of those things into a job that allows me to survive?  Because that would be just super fantastic!

 

I’m really trying to be optimistic though.  As young as I feel and look, I guess the fact that I am thirty won’t mean all that much. Maybe I can get away without telling anyone my age and they can just assume that I’m in my early twenties?  Yeah…it might get out anyway.

 

I am looking forward to a new decade of possibly not making the same mistakes I made in the past.  

A) I now know what I don’t want and what I would like to have in a significant other.  

B) I am stronger in my faith than I have been before and I have more knowledge of the character of who God is and who He isn’t.

C) I have better priorities and I actually do what I want to do and not only what others want me to do.

D) I have a good support system in place in the shape of a great online community (StartSingles) and a great real life, 3D community.

E) I have a church that I love and that loves me back.

F) I’m closer to my mom and have a better relationship with her than I’ve ever had before in my entire life!  This is probably the best thing that’s happened in the past few years.  I’m so lucky to have her and to have had a chance to be closer to her.

G) I have all these friends who live all around the world which opens the doors up to more possibilities than I’ve ever had before.

H) I’m learning how to punch fear in the face on a daily basis!  Whether I’m afraid of looking stupid, being vulnerable, being a failure, or being successful.  I guess this means people might one day be able to read a book I’m writing or listen to music I’m making?  

I) The future is wide open…

 

Okay, that last one might be a little too optimistic, even for me, but I feel like I need to throw that in there for my own good.  After talking with some friends recently, I have had some mini revelations about what’s to come in the next few months and what I need to do starting right now to reach the goals I want to reach.  That’s pretty exciting to me!  

 

So maybe when I turn thirty I won’t have a husband with a house of our own and children playing in the yard.  Maybe I won’t have my dream job and maybe I won’t have everything all figured out.  But maybe, just maybe, I’ll be one more day closer to doing all that and fulfilling whatever purpose there is for my life.

 

xxJenn

 

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Some of my support system of awesome friends

 

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My BFF who bravely faced turning 30 a few months before me. She’s inspiring!

 

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Me, Rosie, and Brandi at a costume party. Just because costume parties are a part of our awesomeness. Also, knowing Rosie helps keep me feeling young!

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Some of the awesome people (including my BFF) who are a part of the online community of friends who happen to not be 19 years old. They’re awesome, supportive, and help me be me. Thanks #SS!

 

 

Sometimes having an “adult” job really sucks -or- In retrospect, getting laid off can be a good thing (83)

I work in Payroll and today was the first day that I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my job.  Up until now, I didn’t really personally know anyone who got “termed” but today I did.  I don’t really know the person super well but we had hung out outside of work.  So we weren’t super close but I could still say we’re friends.  It was awkward and sad to have the knowledge that they weren’t going to have a job at the company anymore and I knew about it before they did.  But I knew this was part of the job and I also knew that this was going to be the most difficult part of my job for me.  

 

I’ve never been fired before but I have been downsized.  It came at me and all my coworkers from left field.  We were working hard and our branch was doing well when, all of a sudden, the regional manager comes in, talks to the manager for a few minutes, our manager comes out of his office and calls a meeting, and the regional manager says. 

“I’m going to keep this short and sweet.  As of right now, this branch is closed.  You have 5 minutes to pack up your desk and leave.  Your final check will be sent to you through the mail.”

And that was it.  It was at a crazy bad time of my life for that to happen too.  I had just signed a one year lease on an apartment that I loved and I was living 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family and in a really bad relationship with a guy who just got fired – on the same day that I got laid off!  Luckily, my mom came out to visit for my birthday a week later and she kind of rescued me and told me I could move back home to Cali and start over.  So I did.  

 

I guess, in retrospect, getting laid off was the best thing ever to happen to me.  It was the catalyst that set in motion some really good things that would happen a few years down the road.  It still sucked for a really long time (like 2 years) after but it happened and now it’s in the past so…there ya go.  God used it for good and I ultimately was able to get out of that relationship which I probably would be miserable in right now had that not occurred.  

 

But back to my current job.  I really love the people I work with and the “family” like atmosphere we have.  But the downside, which I know clearly see, is that, when you’re that comfortable with people, it’s hard to see them leave.

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My Heart, It Beats, Beats for Only You or Someday My Prince Will Come? (273)

Today I was praying and I got a really weird but oddly sweet image.  While praying, I saw a human heart that was like a sponge and it was soaking full of water.  Then a man wrung all the water out of the heart and it was left dry and fluffy.  I then saw myself as a little girl, hugging the heart close to my body and swaying side to side.  I don’t know why this made me feel like I have hope that I will find love some day?  

All day at work I felt a pretty strong sense of being loved.  It was interesting.  I’m pretty out of touch with my feelings when it comes to liking someone and I can almost never tell if someone else has feelings for me unless they’re really blunt about it so I’m not sure if my weird lovey dovey feelings have to do with me having a dumb crush on someone or if it’s something else.  Regardless, I felt really in touch with God today and a really strong sense that He was with me.  That was awesome!

 

Then, when I was leading worship tonight at Acton Rehab, I felt so overwhelmingly connected to God and head over heals in love with Him.  It was as is He were a real person standing right in front of me and I was singing these songs of love and adoration directly to Him.  It was beautiful and bittersweet.  I really do love God but He knows that I need human connection too.  I love feeling in love and I love God’s love because it is completely unconditional and absolutely perfect but I also want the experience of imperfect, messy human love and all that it entails. But, for at least a few hours, I felt like I was in a loving, romantic relationship.

True, authentic worship awakens your soul and sets your heart on fire with love for God and love for others.  It makes the sky seem more blue, the flowers look prettier, you feel as if you’re floating on clouds, and you’re more patient with people and kinder towards others.  God’s love is absolutely perfect, amazing, transforming, sustaining, life giving, and uplifting.  I’m thankful that, while I don’t have any romantic love between me and a man, I at least have the perfect love that God can give me.  It sustains me in ways that no human relationship alone can.  In fact, I don’t see how any of my relationships would last without God’s love.  I just hope that, some day soon, God will allow me to have the love of a man who I too will be in love with.  For now, my heart beats for God alone!

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(Photo Credit: Jarrid Wilson)

Choosing to Believe A Beautiful Lie (359)

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“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

I’m having one of those days where I feel the need to dissect past relationships to see where they went wrong and what could have made them better.  Whether it was an almost 6 year relationship that almost led to marriage or my ill-fated non-relationship with a friend, I have come to the conclusion that I love to believe lies.  I love to look at what could be and live for the moments where things are good rather than take a step back and look at the reality, the ugly truth of it all.  

 

The truth is, my ex-fiance and I probably should have never made it to “fiance” status.  We probably should have examined things a bit more and broken up when he moved away, before I moved with him.  Then again, I don’t like to give up so easily.  I’m stubborn to a fault (obviously) and want things to work out.  I ignored that little voice in my head telling me not to go and jumped in with both feet, not realizing the water was 5 feet deep, leaving me with only an inch of room to breathe.  That was literally what it ended up feeling like towards the end.  I believed the lie that human love can conquer all and willpower and dedication were all that were needed to make a relationship work.  Unfortunately, I learned that lust and desire are powerful weapons and I, being a female, am not insusceptible to them.  I believed the lie that being someone’s best friend was enough to sustain a romantic relationship after I had fallen out of love and into the kind of love you would have for a friend, not someone you’d marry.  Ultimately, God saved me from that relationship and into a deeper relationship with Him.  

 

On to my non-relationship relationship.  I chose to believe the lie that a man and a woman could be best friends with no amount of attraction or sexual tension or romantic feelings developing.  Hahahahahahaha!!!   That’s the sound of my current self laughing at my past self for being so naive.  I also chose to believe that hanging out alone with a male best friend on an almost daily basis and acting like a couple did not mean that we were actually in a relationship or that we were a couple.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Please excuse my pesky current self.  I chose to believe that, after my ex fiance, I didn’t deserve to be in a real relationship.  I ignored my feelings I had for him and lied to myself and to everyone around me, causing me to be needy, controlling, depressed, and bitchy to all my friends and to my supposed best friend.  Alas, God saved me again, right in time.  After a long night of hanging out, while I was turning down my street in my car, God audibly asked me “Is this pleasing to God?!”  Realizing that it totally wasn’t, I asked for God to forgive me and decided to talk it out with my friend.  Inevitably, I got my heart broken by him but it was for the best in the end.  

 

Through my believing of those beautiful lies – that I was getting the best relationships I deserved – I was dooming myself to misery and heartache.  I still battle with believing that I’m not worthy to be loved and to take whatever I can get.  The lies allowed me to stay in an unhealthy relationship when, if I really looked for the truth, I would know to run for the hills.  Love and affection can be so addicting.

 

 Regardless of whether or not I ever do get to meet a guy who will sweep me off my feet and love me in a way that I can’t avoid the truth because it’s too beautiful and real, I will never regret those two relationships/non-relationships.  Yes, I was hurt and, yes, sometimes I still hurt over their memories, but it’s mostly because of my own stupidity.  I know what to be aware of now and I know what to look out for.  God will have to help me if I ever do meet someone who asks me out and wants to date me.  I’m so good at deceiving myself and I so love human affection, I am scared to believe the lies and not remain focused on the truth.  

 

Truth is, I know God loves me.  He loves me in such a way that He gave His own life for me.  He looks at me and says I’m beautiful.  He listens to my singing that sometimes goes off key and my guitar playing that sometimes has mistakes and tells me it’s the most beautiful piece of music he’s ever heard.  He loves me like no man on earth has ever loved me and like no man on earth ever will.  But oh how I want to find someone who will try and who will let me try to love him the best I can.

 

I hope we all can find love like that…

-Jenn

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