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This is the end, the story’s old and it goes on and on until we disappear. (1)

Well, this is it. My last day as a twentysomething.

I really would like to have some sort of epic last journal entry but I just don’t have one.

My twenties have been hard. Sometimes they were downright horrible. Other times were the best of my life this far. I’ve traveled up and down the California coast, to the South, across the country to the Midwest, and across the world to Belfast, Northern Ireland.

I’ve made some amazing friends, fallen in love, gotten my heart broken, found God, lost my way and sorta found it again, and discovered that I have the strength to pull through difficult times with enough help from my friends, family, and God.

I’ve had a couple of okay jobs, a very horrible job, and finally have a job working for a company I love. They’ve all taught me something new. I’ve had a lot of money, a little money, and practically no money. Somehow, I usually have enough money to get by.

I’ve taken risks. I’ve had some wins. I’ve had some losses. I’ve wished and hoped and seen some come to be and others have remained a dream.

I’ve lost two of the most important people in my life – my grandpa first and my grandma second. I had the privilege of holding a newborn baby, hours after she was born. I’ve met some amazing little girls who aren’t my own nieces but whom I love just like they were. I see hope and a future in them. I can only imagine the life ahead for them and how they will grow and experience some of the same things I’ve experienced.

I’ve learned that, as alone as I feel sometimes, I’m really not that alone. There’s always going to be someone to reach out to. Things aren’t always going to be easy but they won’t always be tough either. I’m not a twentysomething anymore but I’m still me.

I don’t feel like I should be thirty but I am. Time to deal with it and face this new day tomorrow with a hope for a future that is fulfilling, meaningful, and full of love.

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Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland, went on all the rides, and didn’t have to wait in line! (8)

I didn’t actually have a dream like that. Those are lyrics from an Ataris song I used to be obsessed with around the year 2003.

Any time I feel like reminiscing, I turn to the songs I listened to back around 2001-2004. Those were the years I started branching out from the status quo, stopped listening to the radio, and started listening mostly to indie rock, pop-punk, and emo. I loved it!!!

Those were the days I would stay up all night talking to people on an old school blogging site called Melodramatic.com and thought I was so rad because I had x’s and “emo” in my username before it was trendy. We would talk about all the angsty things going on in our lives, all the broken hearts we had, and the parties we went to. Oh the drama… How young and stupid and unaware we all were.

Then I grew up and the website starting breaking and being down more than it was up and there were these new sites called myspace and Facebook. They were different and encouraged you to actually know the people on the site instead of just making random friends with people across the inter webs. So that happened and the awesome music talk stopped and I started actually paying for music since it became illegal to download it…illegally.

But my love for music never waned. It grew as the number of candles on my birthday cakes did. I couldn’t get enough. I needed to explore more than what they were forced to play on the radio. I started going to more and more concerts and discovered new bands through that venue as well as finding new friends with new and interesting music to listen to.

As the years have passed, I’ve never stopped loving music and discovering new artists. My tastes have become much more eclectic and diversified. But no matter how much my musical tastes grow, the bands I listened to from 2001-2004 will always hold a special place in my heart!

Peace, love, and chocolate chai tea lattes,
xxJenn

PS Please leave me a comment and let me know of any bands you think are awesome!

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That time when I wrote something awesome and it got deleted (9)

I’m so not going to write it all out again.

Mostly because my computer sucks and I did it all on my phone.

So, just know, it was epic and awesome and, in the end, I decided I’m starting to actually be optimistic about the next 10 years of my life.

And there was a grumpy cat photo. See below.

Ciao!
Jenn

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Eek! Only 20 days left… (20)

So, I haven’t been writing because, well, life got in the way. I wouldn’t trade the past few days for anything though.

There’s been some way crazy stuff happening but there’s been some really, really awesome stuff happening too! Hence, why I haven’t written.

I’m getting nervous for my birthday. Despite #alltheamazingthings that are coming up in the next 12-13 months, I’m still not ready to leave my twenties behind. I know that I’m still going to be me but that stupid 2 changing to a 3 seems to signify the end of my youth and the beginning of my adult life. As if now, I’m not allowed to silly or go on crazy adventures because that’s the sort of stuff that goes on in your twenties not your thirties.

I feel like a broken record and I don’t want to anymore. I am looking forward to going to San Fran for the dreaded day. I’ll be helping out/staying at the YWAM base there. By helping out, I mean that I’ll be tagging along with my friend who’s a missionary there and hoping to get to do some ministry. I also hope to meet up with some people from the #STARTexp if we can arrange it.

Today was a really positive day. Good things are happening. Good, crazy, amazing things are in the works. I’ll share when the time is right. For now, I’m off to sleep way past my bedtime.

Peace, love, and pumpkin spice lattes!
xxJenn

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Insidious 2 was so scary I almost cried!!!! (26)

I’m not really a fan of horror movies, mostly because they’re filled with a lot of gore and usually someone gets naked.  I am a fan of suspenseful, scary movies with good plots though.  When Insidious came out, I thought it looked really interesting.Image

 

 

What I didn’t know was that I was about to be scared out of my mind!!!  But the story was so well done and I thought the acting was so great that I didn’t mind being terrified.  And yes! I do mean actually terrified!

 

Then, when I saw the previews for Insidious 2, I knew I had to go see it!  Image I thought it was just as scary, if not more so!  I literally almost cried a few times during the movie, that’s how terrified I was!!! Now, if you’re looking for an in depth kind of movie review, I’m definitely not the person to ask.  I would have to watch a movie a few times in order to give you a really great review.  I have two awesome friends, Jason and Alex, who review movies for me and give me a synopsis of any that I forget!  (Thanks again, Alex!)  But I would highly recommend watching the first Insidious and then seeing Insidious 2.

 

Oh, and what movie night or any other night would be complete without a silly selfie with your BFF?  Well, I have two of them!  Boom!  Here you go!  

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Peace, love, and white chocolate mochas!

xxJenn

I’m in love, I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it! (28)

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At least, not in the way that most people think.

I just had a really good day with God.  I discovered some awesome new worship music courtesy of my #StartSingle friends and Bethel Music.  Bethel’s new album, Tides, is one of my favorite albums of the year!  The song “I Can Feel You” pretty much speaks exactly how I feel.  It really put me in touch with how wonderful God is and how in love I am with Him.

That love I was feeling all day totally shined through in my worship leading.  The ladies at Acton Rehab were so amazing tonight!  I played a new song and they loved it and were able to sing along!  I was so worried they wouldn’t follow but they’re all so encouraging and eager to worship and praise God that they just blew me away!  Before worship started I even got to share my testimony with two of them.  I forgot how it even started but all of a sudden, there I was, telling them how I was totally lost and had hit rock bottom and God swooped into my life and saved me.  I also explained how that first rock bottom wasn’t enough and it wasn’t until I hit my second rock bottom low that I finally surrendered all of myself, body, heart, soul, and future to God and how amazing it’s been since.

Yes, it’s been hard.  It’s actually been extremely hard and lonely at times and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve cried over stupid things that I wanted even though I knew they were wrong.  But there’s been a whole lot of good too!  I mean, how many times can you say that you’ve been in love with someone you know for certain loves you back, absolutely unconditionally?   I can’t say I know many people who do that.  Just God.  Today, all I felt was the overwhelming love of God and just how lucky I am.

I’ve felt love before…I was in love with a man who I almost married.  But that love was tainted with his lies, manipulation, and abuse so it doesn’t feel real.  It never really felt totally secure.  I mostly felt like a prisoner.  

God’s love feels different.  I don’t have to second guess it.  I don’t have to ask any “what if” questions.  I don’t have to do absolutely anything but receive it.  We love because He first loved us.  God is pure, perfect love.  And I’m in love.

xxJenn

Here’s the video link for the song by Bethel Music in case you want to listen to it.  BEWARE!!! It might change your life.

I’m down to the last month! Start with the black clouds and rain now… (29)

To say that I’m scared would be an understatement.  Here’s my reasons why I’m not looking forward to being 30:

1. I’m no longer going to be in my twenties and saying I’m “in my thirties” sounds really old to me.  I don’t feel like a 30 year old.

2. I’m single.  Like, really single!  I don’t even have any prospects for a potential guy I could realistically be interested in or start a relationship with.  There are literally no more single guys in my church!  And forget online dating.  That’s a complete bust when the only guys who seem interested in me are only interested in sex.  Le Sigh…

3. I’m stuck.  I feel as though I’m in a rut and I have been for a while.  I feel as though I wasted a lot of my early twenties on stupid things and people who only hurt me.  I try hard to live without regrets but, even though I learned some really good lessons, I have regrets.  Regrets totally suck!

4. There’s a chance that I will never be able to have children with each passing year.  I really want to be a mom but that takes having a husband.  I know there are other options available but I really want to experience creating life.  Does that make me selfish? Maybe it does.  Or maybe I’m just human and it’s a natural thing to want?

5. I’m not doing what I’m passionate about and I can’t really fully decide what that passion is.  There’s a lot of things that I love and a lot of things I really want to do.  I really want to be a better worship leader and all around musician.  I really want to be a missionary and serve God on a global capacity.  And I really, really love reading.  Is there any way I can combine all of those things into a job that allows me to survive?  Because that would be just super fantastic!

 

I’m really trying to be optimistic though.  As young as I feel and look, I guess the fact that I am thirty won’t mean all that much. Maybe I can get away without telling anyone my age and they can just assume that I’m in my early twenties?  Yeah…it might get out anyway.

 

I am looking forward to a new decade of possibly not making the same mistakes I made in the past.  

A) I now know what I don’t want and what I would like to have in a significant other.  

B) I am stronger in my faith than I have been before and I have more knowledge of the character of who God is and who He isn’t.

C) I have better priorities and I actually do what I want to do and not only what others want me to do.

D) I have a good support system in place in the shape of a great online community (StartSingles) and a great real life, 3D community.

E) I have a church that I love and that loves me back.

F) I’m closer to my mom and have a better relationship with her than I’ve ever had before in my entire life!  This is probably the best thing that’s happened in the past few years.  I’m so lucky to have her and to have had a chance to be closer to her.

G) I have all these friends who live all around the world which opens the doors up to more possibilities than I’ve ever had before.

H) I’m learning how to punch fear in the face on a daily basis!  Whether I’m afraid of looking stupid, being vulnerable, being a failure, or being successful.  I guess this means people might one day be able to read a book I’m writing or listen to music I’m making?  

I) The future is wide open…

 

Okay, that last one might be a little too optimistic, even for me, but I feel like I need to throw that in there for my own good.  After talking with some friends recently, I have had some mini revelations about what’s to come in the next few months and what I need to do starting right now to reach the goals I want to reach.  That’s pretty exciting to me!  

 

So maybe when I turn thirty I won’t have a husband with a house of our own and children playing in the yard.  Maybe I won’t have my dream job and maybe I won’t have everything all figured out.  But maybe, just maybe, I’ll be one more day closer to doing all that and fulfilling whatever purpose there is for my life.

 

xxJenn

 

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Some of my support system of awesome friends

 

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My BFF who bravely faced turning 30 a few months before me. She’s inspiring!

 

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Me, Rosie, and Brandi at a costume party. Just because costume parties are a part of our awesomeness. Also, knowing Rosie helps keep me feeling young!

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Some of the awesome people (including my BFF) who are a part of the online community of friends who happen to not be 19 years old. They’re awesome, supportive, and help me be me. Thanks #SS!

 

 

Writer’s Block Always Comes When it’s Most Inconvenient (83.5)

You know how it is when you want something so bad that you know you’re just trying to hard and that’s why it’s not happening?

 

That’s happening to me now.  

 

At least I had fun taking selfies after I played guitar for an hour and a half!  The dogs are not impressed though.  I don’t think they’re big fans of guitar playing.  The big one (who’s ironically named Chico) tends to start barking at me when I play songs open and in the Key of D or G.  Go figure!

 

Photo bomb time!!!!

 

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My guitar and me

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My lovely Fender Acoustic!

 

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Foxy has threatened to knock me out with her rancid dog breath if I don’t go to bed and quit with the silly photos.

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Chico who was incorrectly named by his former owner. He is tired of all the silly pictures I’m taking. He just wants to sleep and be left alone already!

Sometimes having an “adult” job really sucks -or- In retrospect, getting laid off can be a good thing (83)

I work in Payroll and today was the first day that I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my job.  Up until now, I didn’t really personally know anyone who got “termed” but today I did.  I don’t really know the person super well but we had hung out outside of work.  So we weren’t super close but I could still say we’re friends.  It was awkward and sad to have the knowledge that they weren’t going to have a job at the company anymore and I knew about it before they did.  But I knew this was part of the job and I also knew that this was going to be the most difficult part of my job for me.  

 

I’ve never been fired before but I have been downsized.  It came at me and all my coworkers from left field.  We were working hard and our branch was doing well when, all of a sudden, the regional manager comes in, talks to the manager for a few minutes, our manager comes out of his office and calls a meeting, and the regional manager says. 

“I’m going to keep this short and sweet.  As of right now, this branch is closed.  You have 5 minutes to pack up your desk and leave.  Your final check will be sent to you through the mail.”

And that was it.  It was at a crazy bad time of my life for that to happen too.  I had just signed a one year lease on an apartment that I loved and I was living 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family and in a really bad relationship with a guy who just got fired – on the same day that I got laid off!  Luckily, my mom came out to visit for my birthday a week later and she kind of rescued me and told me I could move back home to Cali and start over.  So I did.  

 

I guess, in retrospect, getting laid off was the best thing ever to happen to me.  It was the catalyst that set in motion some really good things that would happen a few years down the road.  It still sucked for a really long time (like 2 years) after but it happened and now it’s in the past so…there ya go.  God used it for good and I ultimately was able to get out of that relationship which I probably would be miserable in right now had that not occurred.  

 

But back to my current job.  I really love the people I work with and the “family” like atmosphere we have.  But the downside, which I know clearly see, is that, when you’re that comfortable with people, it’s hard to see them leave.

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Face Punch! Punch Faces! -or- I’m part of a super secret revolution! (85)

So my bestie forwarded me an email about punching fear in the face and joining a revolution of people who are setting a goal and working towards achieving that goal, no matter how scary it might be or how crazy it may seem.

So naturally, I decided to face my biggest fear and challenge myself to write songs. Only three songs though since three doesn’t seem super intimidating to me. I can’t decide whether or not to just make them all worship songs or what kind of music I actually want to write. I know I want it to be of the indie folk-rock kinda scene-ish persuasion but we’ll see how it comes out.

Here’s the scariest part…once I’m done writing the songs, I’m going to play them for people! Eeeeeek!!! At least I have some poetry to kinda fall back on and work into songs. The hardest part so far seems to be coming up with strumming patterns that don’t sound like other songs I know. Maybe that’s why so many worship songs sound similar? We worship leaders get used to playing other people’s music and then write stuff that sounds the same-ish?

Idunno. But anyways I’ve now publicly announced to my partner and to everyone who reads my blog that this is my goal. So you might be able to expect some non professional sorta crummy demos to be posted in about a month and a half or so.

Now it’s time for bed. I feel like an old person. I got home after work and was so tired, I feel asleep before 9pm! Oops. Now I’m up and I need to try to sleep instead of staying up reading and watching Back to the Future.

Ciao!
xxJenn

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