“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m having one of those days where I feel the need to dissect past relationships to see where they went wrong and what could have made them better. Whether it was an almost 6 year relationship that almost led to marriage or my ill-fated non-relationship with a friend, I have come to the conclusion that I love to believe lies. I love to look at what could be and live for the moments where things are good rather than take a step back and look at the reality, the ugly truth of it all.
The truth is, my ex-fiance and I probably should have never made it to “fiance” status. We probably should have examined things a bit more and broken up when he moved away, before I moved with him. Then again, I don’t like to give up so easily. I’m stubborn to a fault (obviously) and want things to work out. I ignored that little voice in my head telling me not to go and jumped in with both feet, not realizing the water was 5 feet deep, leaving me with only an inch of room to breathe. That was literally what it ended up feeling like towards the end. I believed the lie that human love can conquer all and willpower and dedication were all that were needed to make a relationship work. Unfortunately, I learned that lust and desire are powerful weapons and I, being a female, am not insusceptible to them. I believed the lie that being someone’s best friend was enough to sustain a romantic relationship after I had fallen out of love and into the kind of love you would have for a friend, not someone you’d marry. Ultimately, God saved me from that relationship and into a deeper relationship with Him.
On to my non-relationship relationship. I chose to believe the lie that a man and a woman could be best friends with no amount of attraction or sexual tension or romantic feelings developing. Hahahahahahaha!!! That’s the sound of my current self laughing at my past self for being so naive. I also chose to believe that hanging out alone with a male best friend on an almost daily basis and acting like a couple did not mean that we were actually in a relationship or that we were a couple. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Please excuse my pesky current self. I chose to believe that, after my ex fiance, I didn’t deserve to be in a real relationship. I ignored my feelings I had for him and lied to myself and to everyone around me, causing me to be needy, controlling, depressed, and bitchy to all my friends and to my supposed best friend. Alas, God saved me again, right in time. After a long night of hanging out, while I was turning down my street in my car, God audibly asked me “Is this pleasing to God?!” Realizing that it totally wasn’t, I asked for God to forgive me and decided to talk it out with my friend. Inevitably, I got my heart broken by him but it was for the best in the end.
Through my believing of those beautiful lies – that I was getting the best relationships I deserved – I was dooming myself to misery and heartache. I still battle with believing that I’m not worthy to be loved and to take whatever I can get. The lies allowed me to stay in an unhealthy relationship when, if I really looked for the truth, I would know to run for the hills. Love and affection can be so addicting.
Regardless of whether or not I ever do get to meet a guy who will sweep me off my feet and love me in a way that I can’t avoid the truth because it’s too beautiful and real, I will never regret those two relationships/non-relationships. Yes, I was hurt and, yes, sometimes I still hurt over their memories, but it’s mostly because of my own stupidity. I know what to be aware of now and I know what to look out for. God will have to help me if I ever do meet someone who asks me out and wants to date me. I’m so good at deceiving myself and I so love human affection, I am scared to believe the lies and not remain focused on the truth.
Truth is, I know God loves me. He loves me in such a way that He gave His own life for me. He looks at me and says I’m beautiful. He listens to my singing that sometimes goes off key and my guitar playing that sometimes has mistakes and tells me it’s the most beautiful piece of music he’s ever heard. He loves me like no man on earth has ever loved me and like no man on earth ever will. But oh how I want to find someone who will try and who will let me try to love him the best I can.
I hope we all can find love like that…